Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Lots Going on These Days...

Well, as I said before, I've got a lot on my mind and I think it might be squishing what few marbles I had left in it, out! So to give my poor brain some room, let me put some of it down here for you. As every family this holiday season, we are busy with the hustle and bustle and all that comes with that. On top of that, our much respected coach Tigerville, as my girlies call him, resigned. Wow, nuff said there. However, there is a vital part of my holiday experience that is missing. There's a lot on my heart right now but I'll just hit the highlights. We all miss my dad more and more every day. I know you all thought this would be a happy post and it will be but I figure there might be a few of you who have been wondering how we are. Well, we're ok. Just ok! This process of grief is exhausting and mysterious to me. I think we've all come to the realization that Daddy is gone and the numbness is dwindling but now a wave of pain has come back over all of us recently. I do think it can be a healthy thing to feel pain and sadness but if you know me you know I'm a pretty controlled person. Not being able to control my mind or my feelings is somewhat disturbing to me. Don't get me wrong. We are functioning just fine and are enjoying the season as much as possible and do seem to be keeping our selves busy as you will see. But, I dread the fact that he is not here to share it all with us. I just want to be honest with you and say that although you might see me or read my posts or get my emails, I might seem just fine. However, I'm good at hiding my emotions so don't think I'm all healed up and moved on. If you've been through this you know but if you haven't there are no words to express what my heart and head are going through right now. All I can say is that more and more I am learning and realizing how amazing a man My Dad truly was. So, to honor him I will continue to enlighten you with our recent happenings and not dwell on the negative.
Last Monday night we all loaded into mom's van and went to the Pelham Christmas Tree lighting. It was really nice and a needed night out. They have several of the area school choirs and bands perform. Also, it is held at the Pelhan Civic Center which holds a nice Ice Skating rink. Students from the skating school performed and it was awesome. I did not get any pictures so all you get to see is the ornament they passed out to us all. It was a good way to kick the season off.

The very next night my sweet Clara Paige had her first real School performance. She and her Kindergarten classmates sang a bunch of Christmas songs. My camera wouldn't take very good pictures with the lighting but she is the one with the huge red bow on her head. She had a bad cough that night but she sang her little heart out!

While we waited, in the back of the lunchroom/auditorium we caught a cute picture of the twins waiting to see their sissy sing. They were so excited! Again, there was only one thing missing but I bet ya he saw it anyway.

Also, every year my grandmother would send my girls a Gingerbread house. We also lost her this year too so to keep up the tradition, Nana bought the girls one for us to actually put together. It was lots of fun and very sticky. I think we all did a pretty good job too. I hope to continue this tradition in my Grandmother's honor for my girls.

I would love to leave it on the kitchen table since it looked so festive and colorful there. But well, it is now missing it's cute little Christmas Tree b/c our resident food snatcher, Kelsey, thought it looked too good to miss out on and snatched it right off the table. So it now sits on the counter!
There's still lots going on and lots on my mind but I think I've filled your head full of enough sugarplums and such for now.


Cassie said...

God made us with an overwhelming mix of emotions, but also with the incredible ability to heal through His grace! It's a stinky process, and one we so often we wish we could hit the "fast forward" button on. The healing will happen, but through the process know that you don't have to be strong for everybody! Have your moments whenever you need them, just keep your focus on your blessings when it feels like it's falling apart! It helps with the sting... doesn't take it away, just helps it pass a little smoother! You and your family are loved!!

Alison said...

Oh Michele...I know your heart is hurting and your soul aches for your father. As the days pass you do realize that your loved one is not with you and that is a weird feeling...almost as if you are expecting that person to walk in the door from a long, long vacation somewhere, ya know. But the pain will eventually get buried in your hurt and from day to day/from time to time something will trigger that pain and you just have to break down. Grief is so different for us all. To me my grief walks with me everyday of my life. I miss my mom like it was yesterday and it has been over 19 years.
I guess what I am trying to say is do not be so hard on yourself about getting back to normal or for having all kinds of thoughts in your head. YOU ARE HUMAN!
Take each day, enjoy it and go with whatever feeling your are having that day. The pain is still so very new and emotions are very real and honest.
I love you dear...sorry this was so long. But, I have so much in my heart to say, I just hope it comes out the right way.
God bless you all dear. Holidays are tough...cling to your family and never forget the wonderful memories of the past.
Tell you mom I think of you all everyday.
Love you Michele.

Kim Lawson said...

Oh, Michele, I know you are hurting and Christmas draws near, it just gets worse. I still have both of my parents so I don't truly know what you are going through. I do know that I came close, though, and that pain was almost more than I could take. Cry when you need to, laugh when you can. Like Cassie said, we were made with a huge mix of these emotions and of course, being females, we can hit each emotion at least once in a 2 minute span!
Love you girl!! Take care!

Anonymous said...

Michele, I can't even imagine, but let yourself let go and just take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. It's ok and normal to be happy and sad at the same time. We're here if you need us. We love you all!!